Monday, July 11, 2011

Top 10 Most Commonly Uttered Lines In The Afterlife

After an exhaustive* survey of souls in the Recently Arrived (+/- 5 years) portion of the Afterlife, Tisdel's Tirades' staff have compiled this list of the top 10 most commonly uttered sentiments. We hope you, the living, will take some consolation from the feelings of the dear departed; however, we also hope that you may take some lessons from their last thoughts.

Without further ado:

The Top 10 Quotes From Beyond the Grave

1. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

2. "So I said 'You and what army?'"

3. "I could’ve sworn that was going to work!"

4. "And then they made me their chief."

5. "So I said 'I wonder what this button does—'"

6. "That’s when s/he said 'Oh shit! My spouse is home!'"

7. "Join the Army, they said. See the world, they said…"

8. "The last thing I remember was someone yelling 'Isn’t this incredible!?!'"

9. "…and then there was a shark."

10. "I got shot by James Bond."

(Bonus line, which we observed mostly emanating from souls that had occupied an upper-middle class position in life: "Jesus Christ but I was overweight!")

*Data based on a survey conducted between June 18th and June 22nd, Earth time, of total 56,021 souls. Souls represent an accurate percentage of all souls in the area, meaning all souls dispatched to the Afterlife within (+/- 5 years), and thus are not necessarily a cross-section of the Earth population. We strongly advise against any attempts to verify our work; please to god take our word for it, don't go check yourself. Lazarus treatments should only be attempted by professionals. If you found something like that in an old H.P. Lovecraft, well, we advise against trying that too but you probably won't listen to us. 

Transcripts of our interviews with several shinigami are available upon request.

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