Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Best Insults From Around the Internet

I got bored in class and happened upon a random "10 best" page, which had this wonderful insult that is now my all-time favorite, "May the hairs on your arse turn into hammers and beat your balls to death!"  Naturally, I started looking for more vulgarities, and found I had this massive collection of insults from a dozen different places. (This may be the most exhaustively researched post I've ever done.) Without further ado, I give unto you... THE BEST INSULTS OF THE INTERNET.

We'll start with Hollywood: the top 100 Hollywood insults of all time!

My particular favorites from there:

“You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English giant twerp scumbag fuckface dickhead asshole!” –Otto, A Fish Called Wanda

You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!” –Wizard of Oz, to the Tin Man

“You’re an emotional fuckin’ cripple, your soul is dogshit, every single thing about you is ugly!” –Marcus, Bad Santa

“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” –The Principal, Billy Madison

“I want to tell [his boss] what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged spotty-lipped worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!!” –Clark, Christmas Vacation

“You’re the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you!” –Ugly to Good, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!” –The Frenchman, of Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Calvin & Hobbes also had a really good one. “Slippin’ rippin’ dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding-dong!!”, yelps Calvin's dad, after dropping a huge Christmas present on his foot.

International Insults

Awhile back, cracked.com made a list of "The Nine Most Devastating Insults From Around the World" (and a jillion more besides). These aren't what they thought were the worst ones, but they're my favorites off the list. Apparently the Balkan states are just out of their goddamned minds (apologies to any Balkan folk I know)...

“A thousand dicks in your religion!” -Arabia
“You unsightly hunchbacked leper queer!” –Bulgaria
“Fuck the 18 generations of your ancestors!” –China
“Grandfatherfucker!” –Iceland
“Let your mother recognize you in a meat pie!” “May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life!” –Serbia
“Brush your teeth, my dick will be inspecting soon!” –Romania
“Piss into a transformer” –Finland

Captain Haddock

If you're at all familiar with Hergé's The Adventures of Tintin, you hopefully have a deep and abiding love for Tintin's irritable friend, Captain Haddock. Haddock is a sailor, you see, and sailors are supposed to have a salty tongue (swear a fuckalot). But this was a kids' comic, so what Hergé did was to go to a dictionary and just look up the most ridiculous words he could find, and throw those in as made-up curse words. It was wildly successful and also hilarious. Here's a few of my favorites:

"You infernal impersonations of Abominable Snowmen!" -to interfering detectives
“Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!” –all the time
“Antediluvian bulldozer!” –to the Yeti
“You four-legged Cyrano!” –to an anteater
“You dunderheaded coconuts!” and “You addle-pated lumps of anthracite!” –to Muslims on pilgrimage
“Gibbering anthropoids!” –to a bunch of monkeys
“Slubberdegullions!” –To the Incas*
“This thundering herd of Zapotecs!” –the people of Borduria, a made-up country
“Dictatorial duck-billed diplodocus!” –referring to the ruler of Borduria
“Pirate, ectoplasm, coelacanth, vulture! Body-snatcher, Ostrogoth, Vandal!” –shouted through a megaphone at a retreating slave-trader
“Confounded rattletrap tin-can contraption! Take that, you slot-machine, you!” –to the engine-room telegraph of a ship, right before attacking it with a hammer.

There's a full grouping of all his insults by story here, or if you prefer, somebody's put together a random insult generator.

The Mug of Infinite Insult

On my last birthday, I got (among other items) a mug with a multitude of Shakespeare's insults that he included in his plays. Some of my favorites:

“Beetle-headed, flap-eared knave!”
“I do desire that we may be better strangers”
“Poisonous bunch-backed toad”
“Mountain of mad flesh”
“You rampallian! You fustilarian!”
“Not so much brain as ear-wax.”

Changing centuries completely, Chris Kluwe of the Minnesota Vikings tweeted the other day (it's not quite an insult) about going to see a film with his beloved. "Going to see True Grit with the wife. It was the only movie we could agree on. #everythingshewantstoseemakesbiliousvomitexplodefrommyeyes” -Kluwe. Also, funniest modern insult for me: "It looks like her face caught on fire and someone put it out with a hammer."

Autres Insults Internationales

As you may have discerned by now, I like the more creative insults that aren't just "fuckface" or "dipshit". Round two of the international insults comes from something other then Cracked; apparently the Australians are creative as shit (and use "as shit" a lot), while the British are too stodgy for long phrases. Here's a couple more related links.

“May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat!” –Irish

The title says it all: http://grapevine.is/mag/articles/2014/06/30/may-your-urine-burn-you-cowardly-goat/

The Manderin Profanity Wikipedia page is hilariously extensive and is worth checking out. A few of my favorites include jiào nǐ shēng háizi zhǎng zhì chuāng (叫你生孩子长痔疮) – "May your child be born with hemorrhoids", and the aforementioned cào nǐ zǔzōng shíbā dài (肏你祖宗十八代) = fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation.

I also have to say that maybe nobody does surrealist insults better then Australia. In fact, after seeing this link, I'm not sure anyone does any insults better then Australia.

"Fuck your father while he's still in your grandmother's pouch!"
A few highlights:

“May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.”
“May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!”
“He couldn’t organize a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties.”

Whether or not you follow video games, there are few better examples of the vulgarian's art then the Australian creator of Zero Punctuation. This guy does the most profoundly obscene reviews that have ever been voiced or animated. I don't know a thing about modern console gaming and I think it's hilarious. I can't input the videos because they aren't on YouTube and Blogger can suck in some ways, but here are two of the best ones: Resident Evil 5 and Halo Wars. (Skip ahead to 2:00 in Halo Wars; for some reason, the company he works for put a cameo from another reviewer in front that isn't nearly as good.)

Closer to Home

I'll leave off with one last insult, obtained from a highly scientific survey. Me, to the room at large: "What's the best insult you guys know?!" Tadd: “Whoremouse! Douchecanoe! Cum-guzzling twatfuck!” -Tadd**

*“A slubberdegullion is a slobbering foul individual, a worthless sloven, a pigpen, a jeeter, a tramp, an uncouth slob, a disgusting draggletail, a torpid and tawdry tatterdemalion.”
**Slight dramatization.


darren said...

Shitcunt is always a fave

Andy said...

"Muffin" is pretty decent too, like "cuntmuffin" or "twatmuffin".

Anonymous said...

Shut the fuck up, you foetid son of a pustulent whore.

Andy said...

Cease and desist your rudeness, you knock-kneed, lily-livered son of a thousand fathers!

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