Friday, July 1, 2011

I Am The King Of All Stupid People

Many Chinese dishes use spicy red peppers to flavor their spicy foods, like kung pao chicken or szechuan beef. The peppers are there purely for flavoring purposes; you're absolutely not supposed to eat them. I didn't know this yesterday and, guess what, I am now QUITE familiar with the principle!!

 You're not supposed to eat even one. Dried peppers are more potent than the fresh version (something about the venom having time to congeal and get stronger), and eating one whole will cause your face to turn bright red, your nose to run and your brain to jump out of your head and run away screaming.

However, if you are so colossally stupid as to eat one of these things, for the love of heaven don't make it two.

I learned after the fact that peppers are cumulative. Eating a second pepper will cause the ghost of the first pepper to return from beyond the grave and haunt the flaming hell out of your mouth. Apparently there exists some sort of extradimensional spiritual pepper multiplier from Hades, which will make Pepper No. 2 logarithmically worse than the first one. It's a "The Beast and his minions will rise from the Pit to make war against God" kinda thing.

So... yeah. Side effects of multiple peppers may include snotting like a pneumoniac, temporary loss of the sense or memory of the sense of taste, blushing bright red like you just got turned down on a date, tear ducts throwing their own personal Mardi Gras and a devout wish for the sweet release of death. In related news, I am the dumbest person alive. Hear my wishes, ye mighties, and grovel before my will to perform utterly stupid activities! HAAA HAHAHAHA!!!

David Tennant casts a jaundiced eye at the above paragraph.
You want to know what the worst part was? Even after all this nonsense above with the second pepper, I had this insane urge to eat the third and final pepper just to say I'd done it. I am reasonably sure that that would have made my eyeballs leak out through my ears, but I still had this idiotic urge to do it. Why do I even have that part of my brain?! Why is that there?! 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Deadpool moment. For the love of god do not do what I have done. Also, I'm setting up my Kingdom in downtown San Francisco, from which I shall rule as Chief Moron over all other stupid folk. My brain apparently wants me to.

This is what society does for you. Two million years ago, my kind would have eaten the poison bush and been unceremoniously ejected from the gene pool.

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