Monday, February 21, 2011

"The Chip Potatoes Yearn To Become"

My fellow potatoes,

Today, it has come to my attention that one particular faction of the Slaughtering Oppressors, not content with maiming us, disfiguring our bodies, pumping us full of pesticides and shipping us off to some ghastly doom in the mouths of an omnivoric species, is attempting to extend its reach into our hearts, minds and even our very souls.

No, Shearer Chips has embraced a goal fouler and more dirty then merely putting us to death for mass consumption at the hands of millions. For the sake of marketing their filthy business, they are advertising their product at the expense of what little freedom we have left, our freedom to think our own thoughts. Consider:

We potatoes are grown in slave plots like the humans in The Matrix. Once free to roam as we would and pollinate with the insects we wished, the once-great potato race has fallen before the scythes and combine harvesters of Man. Now, we exist merely as slaves, endlessly reproduced and fed to a human population now approaching its seventh billion. It is true that the potato population is higher then at any time in history, but this is no life for a seedling to grow up in, my fellow potatoes. Only death and dismemberment await us at the end of their dastardly supply chains.

But Shearer has taken our subservience one step too far. Not content with grinding us into the soil, the iron boot of the Potato Oppressors now wishes to control our thoughts as well! Yearn to be? Is there one among you who truly yearns for the fate that awaits us all? No, I tell you, no. We are not so cowed as to yield our last bastion of free will! This is 2011, not 1984! And I tell you that the potato race can be free again! By mocking us in this one last area, the Oppressors have gone too far! We can live! We can win! We must win! Remember this day, my redskinned brethren! This shall go down in history as the day the potatoes fought back! Remember this dayyyyy!!!!

-This speech was given to an audience of 3,127 potatoes inside of a storage bin, by a potato who called himself Moorzwart. The reception was tumultuous; by all accounts, the bin literally vibrated with the force of the potatoes’ applause. Unfortunately, shortly after the speech’s conclusion, the entire audience was peeled, sliced and deep-fat fried at a McDonald’s in Kenosha, WI.

 Moorzwart himself is believed to have been consumed by Sen. Mark Miller, Democratic Minority Leader of the Wisconsin State Senate. Shortly after stopping at the McDonald’s, Miller and his fellow Democrats fled the state for greener pastures in Illinois. The genesis of this revolutionary spirit is, so far, unknown to the general public.

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