Saturday, June 4, 2011

Timeline: My First Shorewood Run in Friggin' Forever

00:00 Commence running endeavors. I feel invincible!

02:00 Oh, yeah, hills! I remember those (puff, pant)

06:08 Doctor Who theme song comes on. +10 energy boost.

09:24 "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" theme song comes on. Instead of changing it, sings along to half the words. (Gasps the rest.)

15:08 Reaches turnaround point. Takes a second to recover and stretch. Takes off shirt; blinds innocent passerby with sheer whiteness.

17:08 Entering Shorewood. Is too bushed to care. "Rods and Cones" by Blue Man Group gives strength.

26:58 Reaches Shorewood High School. Collapses on first concrete step (leaves sweat-mark).

28:00 Ambles around aimlessly, looking for a bubbler. All doors leading to bubblers are locked. Much invective shouted to the heavens.

30:02 Decide to stretch.

30:16 Ow ow OW blisters!

30:20 Cry like little girl.

30:40 Grit teeth and bear it, like He-Man!

31:38 Finish He-Man stretches. See massively muscular runner come charging up the school front lawn, on the last leg of his own run, and head for Fitness Center. Lose all pretensions to He-Man-ism.

33:00 Decide, reluctantly, to do "Six-Minute Ab" workout of death.

33:45 Sensory cortex malfunctioning. Visuals impaired. What was at first glance a tall white woman inexplicably becomes two black girls. Much confusion.

36:00 Profound hate of self and everything self stands for.

39:00 Equally profound hate, but at least NIGHTMARE IS OVER

40:15 Strech some more. Decides to walk home barefoot.

40:30 Sensory cortex mistakes fuse-box and power outlet for excited puppy. Sensory cortex also mistakes cruel, harsh world for kind, forgiving world...

40:31-41:10 Spend next 40 seconds reenacting "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" as "Jew on Flaming-Hot Blacktop of Doom"

41:11 YOWCH ow ow YIKES

50:12 Reach home.

50:15 Reach shower.

50:18 Convert to Showernitarianism as new religion. Swear to be devoted servant for life.

55:18 Massive check arrives from American Water & Power Corporation, congratulating me upon religion change.

55:19-......... Do nothing for rest of day

Noon tomorrow: "Hey, I should go running again!"

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