Monday, June 6, 2011

CLASSIFIED: New England Patriots HQ to Special Agent Josh McDaniels

(Preface: Through diligent intelligence work and sheer luck, we here at Tisdel's Tirades have managed to locate a digital copy of the top-secret orders issued to Josh McDaniels before the 2009 football season, by Head Coach Bill Belichick. We must remind our readers that this document has yet to be substantiated by the parties in question, who have publically denied the existence of all evidence presented herein. As such, we advise readers to proceed with caution.)

SUBJECT: Operation Dead Horse

DATE: 1/05/2010

FROM the Office of Grand Lord Wizard Belichick

Your Final Marching Orders

***TOP SECRET!!! DESTROY AFTER READING!!!***

TO: Special Agent Josh McDaniels

I must congratulate you on the successful fulfillment of Phase I of our grand Anti-Bronco design. For many years, I have harbored a deep and lasting hatred of the Denver Broncos, and it gladdens my crusty heart to see our plot to destroy the team, and the Broncos' credibility, finally coming to fruition. 

As you may recall, my faithful disciple, Phase I of our plot involved setting you up as an offensive mastermind, while at the same time ensuring (through a variety of clandestine methods) that the Broncos' offense would absolutely stink for the past few years. Through these efforts, we were finally able to depose my arch-rival, the evil and devious Mike Shanahan. But even more importantly, my fellow schemer, we ensured that the Broncos would come knocking on your door after they fired the old bat! You played your part perfectly, my dear Josh, and as I type these words, your commission as Head Coach of the hated Broncos is a certainty. (I cannot express how important it is to me, that you were able to overcome your personal repugnance for all things Bronco for the Cause. Such loyalty and devotion brings tears to my crinkled eyes.)

As soon as the offseason begins, you are ordered to commence Phase II of our grand design: dismantling the core of young, talented skill players that the Broncos have assembled over the past few years, and simultaneously creating the biggest media shitstorm since Brett Favre's unretirement. 

You will arrange for the trade of their little Pro Bowl quarterback, one Jay Cutler, to some unremarkable NFC team. Create as large and as public a feud with him as you can; anything that helps erode the Broncos' credibility will help in our grand design. You will also ship their star receiver, Brandon Marshall, and their skilled tight end Tony Scheffler, out of town as soon as possible. In addition to these changes, I command you to switch Denver to a 3-4 defense, knowing full well that they have shitty personnel to run it. This will create chaos and confusion on both sides of the ball. (If you think it appropriate, you may also create a videotaping scandal similar to the one we endured here, as well as whatever other evil plots are in your power to execute. I recommend signing a bunch of over-the-hill free agents to eat up Denver's cap room.)

Having dealt a crushing blow to the integrity and reputation of the Denver franchise, you will then proceed to crush the hopes and dreams of the Denver fan base. You will enter Phase III by going undefeated through at least the first five weeks of the season. You will even defeat the Mothership, in overtime if possible, and thereby bolster both your reputation and the hopes of the Denver fans. Then you shall fuck those hopes with a hedge-trimmer. You shall bolster your record to 8-4, and in so doing, give Denver a chance to grab their first playoff spot and division title in four years... and proceed to lose, excruciatingly, every single remaining game. The horror and confusion in Colorado shall be a glorious sight!

(Picture added by TT staff)
After that, Agent McDaniels, I give you free reign. Draft whomever you feel will be the most divisive player on the board, sign lousy free agents, lose games, do whatever you can to ruin their franchise. I will be watching from afar, and if all goes well, I shall be aglow with a secret pride. Do not disappoint me, Agent McDaniels, and one day you shall find your way back to the Patriot Mothership. 

In the name of all Bronco-crushing endeavors, and in the name of our Grand Design, I salute you. 

May the dark side of the Force be with you. 

---Grand Lord Wizard Bill Belichick

"I will do my utmost, Lord Belichick."

No comments:

Post a Comment