Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Andy's Symbol Association 2011 Mock Draft: Guaranteed to coax a "WTF" out of you!

Well, this is refreshing. After a week or so of feeling like I had nothing to say, now it feels like I can't for the life of me shut up. Continuing to prove that point, I have for you the most eclectic mock draft on the Internet to date. Here's the names of the prospects and what their names remind me of.

1. Cam Newton, QB, Carolina. Like an oak tree. Big, spreading arms and lots of leaves hanging down.

2. Marcel Dareus, DT, Broncos. Squatty. Compact. Iron. Like a crumpled bowling ball made of cast iron. 

3. Von Miller, OLB, Bills. Fighter jet. New metals, light but strong, like they're using in the next generation of warplanes. 

4. Cincinnati Bengals: Blaine Gabbert, QB. Like the guy at the end of Akira when he's become gigantic and his flesh is all gloopy and melting off in chunks.

5. Patrick Peterson, CB, Arizona Cardinals. Tall and branchy, like a giant letter K. 

6. Cleveland Browns: A.J. Green, WR. Long and smooth and fluid, like Silly Putty if it was made of stainless steel. 

7. San Francisco 49ers: Prince Amukarama, CB. Joseph and his coat of many colors. 

8. Nick Fairley, DT, Tennessee Titans: Big, fat and creaky. Lots of dust falling out of the creases on his uniform shirt when he stands up. The drone of buzzing flies follows him everywhere. 

9. Dallas: Tyron Smith, OT. A big chunk of raw gold, like they just took him out of a mineshaft. 

10. Julio Jones, WR, Washington Redskins: A man made of bowling balls and pipe cleaners, like that fighting game Sid plays. 

11. Houston Texans, Aldon Smith, DE-OLB. A packing frame, like the kind you use to move tables, on caster wheels and made of dense metal. 

12. Minnesota Vikings, Jake Locker, QB: A wet cardboard box that falls apart outwards, in all directions. 

13. Detroit Lions, Anthony Costanzo, OT: A red-and-gold monster behemoth with long arms and a slight hunch.

14. St. Louis Rams: Da'Quan Bowers, DE. Like half a gear, but all the little stubs are spikes, and it swings on a hinge and bar system that's rooted next to the defensive tackle. 

15. Mike Pouncey, G-C, Miami Dolphins: An amorphous black-and-gold mass, like a color-shifting rock, that just sits there and glares at people. 

16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Robert Quinn, DE. A shoulder-launched missile, or SAM, that is hoisted onto the shoulder and fired but that's made of pure talent, which is like an unbearable white light. 

17. New England: Mark Ingram, RB. A sword, except not a sword. The hilt is somewhere buried in the earth, and the blade sticks out and moves like a shark's fin over the surface of the ocean. 

18. San Diego: Cameron Jordan, DE. Black and gold in front, red behind.

19. New York Giants: Derek Sherrod, OT. A massive, crumbling old-man-of-the-mountain type of guy, with a little bit of Ent thrown in. Like a big, grey, rocky Ent with dirt falling off him.

20. Tampa Bay Bucs: J.J. Watt, DE. A pair of giant hooks attached to a bear.

21. Nate Solder, OT, Kansas City Chiefs. Like the other tackles, but this one's a big, burnished mass of metal. Won't fall apart easily. 

22. Corey Liuget, DT, Indianapolis Colts. The Blob, but congealed. 

23. Philadelphia Eagles: Jimmy Smith, CB. A football player who jabbers a lot. 

24. New Orleans Saints: Ryan Kerrigan, DE. Green and purple and really knobby. Lots of knobs, like reptile skin, but on a bigger scale. 

25. Seattle Seahawks: Adrian Clayborn, DE. Man made of pottery... this one's obvious.

26. Muhammad Wilkerson, DE, Baltimore Ravens: Extremely large, wrinkly, dark black mass that has a cross around what might be construed as its neck. 

27. Atlanta: Gabe Carimi, OT. A bear on its hind legs, except the bear is constructed out of limestone. And it doesn't really look like a bear; like, it isn't a bear-shaped statue or anything, but if you saw this thing your mind would fill in "bear" as a shape.

28. Trade: Tennessee Titans, Andy Dalton, QB. Clean-cut evil statue.

29. Chicago Bears: Phil Taylor, DT. Mean. 

30. New York Jets, Akeem Ayers, OLB. Like a tree, but hasn't filled in yet. All the branches are there, but they're kind of droopy and unformed. 

31. Aaron Williams, CB: A small rocket. 

32. Green Bay Packers: Danny Watkins, G. A giant pink ball that's squeezed itself into a leather coat. Steely.

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