Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Subj: Rest??!?!

Dear My Body,

I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing, but we haven’t slept for two nights now (three depending on how you count it) and I’m sick of this. I have a responsibility to keep us functioning, and I can’t do that on close to zero sleep. Kindly figure out a way to help us relax, please.


My Brain

Re: Rest??!?!

My Brain,

I don’t know what you mean by that, but you best calm down. Okay? And besides, don’t act like this is my fault. You’ve been lying awake and stewing about God knows what, last few nights, and that has nothing to do with me. You need to get it together, man. Don’t place your shit on my premises.

-My Body

Re: Re: Rest??!?!

Dear My Body,

No need to get all riled up about this. I’ll dial down your hormone levels. But seriously, if I walk into a wall or something today that I don’t see coming, ‘cause I’m too tired to see it, I’m filing suit.  –My Brain

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Rest??!?!

Um, that wouldn’t happen. And I’d just like to point out that both of you have been ignoring us, but we’re doing our job as professionally as always. Just keep those blasted contact lenses away from us, please.

-My Eyes

Oh Highly Esteemed Brain,

Let me just remind you that it was your brilliant plan that put us here in the first place, OK? You were going to go to DC, see potential employers, do interviews, hand out material for what, like a week? But you didn’t know how long you were gonna stay, you ended up imposing on your ex’s family, and now we have no ride home. That ain’t my fault. You stewing about it, well you just keep in mind, that’s your problem. Ain’t got nothin’ to do with me.

-Your Loyal and Obedient Servant, Body

You just smacked me in the face! In the FACE! What the FUCK!


Whoops. Involuntary muscle spasm. –Body

Temporary miscommunication, boss. Nothing we could’ve done. –My Arms

What… what is your problem? Okay. So I didn’t have much of a plan for staying here, but you know what? The ride thing? NOT MY FAULT. That damn woman from the ride board was supposed to be our ride back, but she left us all in the lurch! Arms, why didn’t you punch her or something?! She was our ride back and she just left us, so now I have to scramble, which is one reason why I’ve been stewing! Once again, NOT my fault!

-Your Irritated Leader

…Okay. First of all, you just admitted that you have, in fact, been stewing, which is why we’ve been losing sleep.

Whoa, wait, hold on, I never said that!

Second of all, it was still your goofy-ass plan that put us here in the first place. And third, I’m compelled to report this entire conversation to Human Resources.

We’d also like to point out that even if we wanted to do physical harm to anyone, you spoke to this woman through e-mail. So, y’know… -Arms

Wait, no, you can’t do this to me! Wait. Body. Calm down. You don’t have to report anything. This was just a disagreement, right? Happens all the time. No need to go to the higher-ups, it was just a misunderstanding!

Hah-HAH, now you changin’ yo’ tune!

Come on. Be reasonable. There must be some misunderstanding. There must be some kind of mistake. I’ve been waiting in the rain for hours… you were late! There must be (there must be some) misunderstanding…

Ooookay, I was being metaphorical when I said ‘tune’. And wouldn’t you agree that this is a problem?

What, are you serious? What’s a problem? There’s nothing. The song thing, I just blipped out for a second. No problem.

Well, you obviously have a fear of authority figures. And isn’t this entire conversation evidence of some kind of split personality disorder? I mean, honestly. Assigning anthromorphic personalities to parts of your corporeal form? And having them communicate through e-mail? I really think you should go in for counseling, Brain.

What the… You aren’t qualified to make those kinds of diagnoses! Who’s been telling you this? How can anyone that’s not me be telling you anything?

Well I hate to break this to you, Brain, but Human Resources is in the subconscious.

…oh. Oh fuck.


Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. All right, we’re running away to Alaska. Everybody move, move, move!

…the hell is all this? I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what's going on. –My Legs

Dammit, guyszzzzzzzzzz...

We are experiencing technical difficulties, so here's a picture of an otter.


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