This Is How I Cook Caribbean Black Beans and Rice

• Peppers are basted with olive oyl and in the oven. Now to start on the rice.

• Water's on the stove. Time to chop some stuff while I wait for it to boil.
• Aaaand my shorts are on backwards. This is a good start. I wondered where my pockets were...
• Ack! The cheese fell out of the fridge and attacked me while I was getting the green pepper. Stupid cheese, you're not even a part of this recipe.
• Rice is in! Stirring with my grandma's antique wooden spoon that has been passed down for three generations. I deem this dish worthy of its usage.
• Using about twice as much green pepper as the recipe calls for, because I'm worth it.
• (Also a bit more red pepper because I had this half a red pepper sitting in the back of the fridge that I forgot about, and it'd be a shame not to use it.)
• I am rethinking that first decision. That's a shitload of pepper. Oh, well.
• "Slice the garlic paper-thin with a paring knife." The hell is a paring knife? *Googles*
• Wikipedia: "A small knife with a plain edge blade that is ideal for peeling." Well, all of our knives are either serrated or goddamn gigantic. Guess I'll make do.
  I rescued the rice from being Lawrence Welked in a sea of bubbles. Still a lot of water in there. Going to cook a bit more.
  Garlic's chopped. Thought process: "All right, paper thin... Well, for some very liberal definition of paper thin... Okay, I can make this work... Ah forget it WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK"
  Sweet mother of plants, this is so much more cilantro than I needed. The recipe calls for three tablespoons and there's like, a fern here.
  Time for another round with the world's shittiest can opener. Black beans, emerge!
  (Also: the "preparation time", meaning before things get into the slow cooker, is 30 minutes for this recipe. Considering that the red peppers have to be baked for an hour before they ever touch the slow cooker, I'm not sure the writers understand how time works.)
  Update: pepper's been ground, cilantro is ready, salt is ready. About to rinse the black beans. (The beans: "BLORP".)
  Halfway through slicing up the peppers baked in oil. Heavens to Murgatroyd, these things are hard to cut.
  I love the SOUND that sautéeing vegetables makes. Just this wonderful crackling, hissing noise.
  Well, the green peppers are going to be a bit firm. I thought putting in the garlic for two minutes was a dumb idea, because it's gonna brown if you have it that long, and the fact that I chopped it up pretty small didn't help. I don't think it'll be that big a deal, though.
  Now comes the payoff, where I ADD ALL THE THINGS
  Cilantro: Bam! Salt and pepper: Wham! Wham! Black beans coming down like an avalanche! Vinegar coming in! Hot sauce, co... hot sauuuuuce. Takes forever to get out of the bottle! Okay, here we go. Everything's in. Now we stir. Wait, I somehow almost forgot the rice. In you go, rice!
  And EVERYTHING IS IN THE COOKER AND ON. NOW WORK YOUR MAGIC, SLOW COOKER.
  
  (Update: It was delicious and I'm still eating it a week later. This went well.)